The Absent Witch: Hello from 2020 & Imposter Syndrome

The World from my tarot deck, The Penumbra Tarot.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I perhaps would like to apologise for my extended absence from this blog. I normally like to be a ‘blogger without obligation‘, but this extended absence has been next level – the last blog post (despite many, many drafts) dates from December 2018. The truth is, amongst other obstacles that make blogging difficult anyway, I suffered a terrible case of imposter syndrome throughout all of 2019 – beyond.

You’ve probably heard of imposter syndrome. For me, it manifests as a tendency to hide from exposing myself in such a way that blogging would normally do. It’s a feeling where I feel guilty for giving myself a platform – a website in my name feels incredibly narcissistic – and spending time on quieter pursuits that fulfill the desire to create. I feel reluctant to waste people’s eye-hole energy reading the dross that gets typed out on my keyboard. The thing is I love writing, even if it feels like I am writing about nothing at all. I have always had some sort of online website, diary, journal or blog since I stepped foot in the online realms in the late 1990’s. I’ve always been a geek, a web surfer, a creator and an explorer keen to share her flavour of what she had learned.

(My first website was an abomination of midi files and animated gifs entitled ‘Dinosaurs: ON SCREEN.’ Name a more iconic 90s teen moment. I’ll wait.)

I felt the desire to hide that creative urge in recent years. The fallout from my Saturn Return was epic, unfortunately, and resulted in deletion and re-creation of online personas, over and over. I see this in others and I’ve done it myself. I’ve just wanted to scream at people that I want to read more of what they want to write – I want to sympathise with their thoughts and follow their thought processes. I want to see their janky website and read their prose, I want to admire their sketches and read their tweets and watch their diary style vlogs.

I’ve been rebuilding my confidence from the ground up. Sometimes I look back on my old writings and I am shocked about how candid I was, how I never seemed to second-guess the merits of sharing what I wrote. I had a bit of an epic 2019. I endured ACL reconstructive surgery and I found my blogging mojo again documenting my recovery process – which is still ongoing. There was some big shadow stuff to shift, and it felt as if I aged 5 years in 1. A spell had been broken – or woven?

And 2020 feels good. It feels different. We might be soaking in the apocalypse and everything that it brings. But I am also ready to step into my own voice and share the fruits of my brain-meats again. Maybe the planets have lined up in the right way for me to type stuff out on here again. At any rate, I’m back. Some of the topics I hope to include are my experiences with the Reclaiming Tradition of Witchcraft, my journey learning more about astrology, my further adventures in finishing my tarot project, The Penumbra Tarot, and anything else that comes to mind. I have continued to have my Youtube channel since I have been away from here, but sometimes I just want to write stuff!

After a swim in 2020 at the bottom of the world – Denmark, Western Australia.

Being a witch is about stepping into your power. I’m good at doing this alone in my practice, now I want to be good at doing this in a way where my voice can be heard or read by others. I hope you will join me.

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